I went to confession tonight. As a catholic. I'm beyond grateful for this Sacrament that encourages us to reflect on our weaknesses and dig to discover or rediscover the moments that are difficult to face. If it is hard to face an action when we must sit back and quietly exam what brought us to this feeling of discomfort.
I've been happier this month that I have been in recent years. The very specific effort of unraveling myself from anything that has even a whiff of political or religious angst has lead me to tranquility.
This seemingly impossible task was surprisingly easy to achieve. In a world where we are surrounded by noise and distraction and dissension, the act of creating quiet feels like a lost art. And, the act of saying that most powerful of words, the word "no", has me reaping unexpected benefits the best of which is the space that has opened up with me.
I talked with Fr. B about my comfort with silence but it is exactly that - silence - which can be my greatest pitfall. Silence makes my mind run amok especially during Adoration. The more I focus on quieting my mind, the more I derail myself and have to drag myself back to opening myself to God and His presence, filling the space. But what I think is failing, Fr. B says is actually doing the right thing. The effort to be open to God's presence is much like an exercise where we find ourselves drawing closer and closer to Him who is at the center of all. This realization presented me with an image of western pioneers and wagon trains circling themselves to provide protection from outside dangers. While we resist and fight against outside attacks, we are protecting that which is at the center, our goal of embracing God and protecting ourselves from all that is fearsome.
So I
left confession tonight with a new layer of armor that protects me from the enemies
of God. I strive more for silence, an active silence that strengthens me
daily.
