Christmas Greetings from My House to Yours

December, 2020 

Hello, my friends and hasn’t this been a year for the books?  Everything felt so normal until March and then the world went over a cliff.  Predictably, the spread of the corona virus here has been slower because the population is so small in the county and not so mobile.  Sadly, ten month into this new world we are forced to inhabit, things have changed dramatically and I’ve gone from hearing about it to actually KNOWING about it, with too many friends who have been infected.  Fortunately, the preponderance of cases have been on the mild side though we do know one family that has gone through some scary times.  By God’s grace, they are coming out of the corona dark side.

After publishing my book in late October 2019, I had big plans for visits to other areas of Missouri and promoting sales.  Funny how Corona changed that.  Everything that was the logical place to set up book signing closed.  After a flurry of early activity everything came to a grinding halt.  But just as that was coming to an end, Don’s book was moving towards completion and will be coming out in Spring 2021.  Five years in the making, it’s been an amazing experience for him and so different from mine.  More to come about this in the not too distant future.

We have not been entirely isolated from our children and grandchildren.  Though living in three different states, we have been able to do a bit of prudent traveling and video chats have become a new and favorite form of communicating. 

Krista and Adrian blessed us with a fourth grandchild, a boy. Our beautiful and healthy William Abel Zavala was born on September 9^th.  Adrian’s parents were able to fly to Nashville and visit for a week and we loved being reunited with them for William’s baptism and a short visit.

Don and I continue to be involved in community work and he is currently heading up an historic restoration fundraising effort for an unusual water tower we have here in town.  There are only two others like it in the country, one in Alabama and the other, I think, in Indiana or Ohio.    I’m still working at the church doing this and that and who would have thought that at this point in my life, I would also become a videographer, research assistant, and purveyor of original greeting cards.  But yes, that is all happening. 

Life is never dull in the Jeffries household and I hope it is equally lively and stimulating in yours.  Wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a much better 2021.

Annie and Don

 

First Sunday in Advent

 

I went to confession tonight. As a catholic. I'm beyond grateful for this Sacrament that encourages us to reflect on our weaknesses and dig to discover or rediscover the moments that are difficult to face.  If it is hard to face an action when we must sit back and quietly exam what brought us to this feeling of discomfort.

I've been happier this month that I have been in recent years.  The very specific effort of unraveling myself from anything that has even a whiff of political or religious angst has lead me to tranquility.

 This seemingly impossible task was surprisingly easy to achieve. In a world where we are surrounded by noise and distraction and dissension, the act of creating quiet feels like a lost art.  And, the act of saying that most powerful of words, the word "no", has me reaping unexpected benefits the best of which is the space that has opened up with me.

I talked with Fr. B about my comfort with silence but it is exactly that - silence - which can be my greatest pitfall.  Silence makes my mind run amok especially during Adoration.  The more I focus on quieting my mind, the more I derail myself and have to drag myself back to opening myself to God and His presence, filling the space.   But what I think is failing, Fr. B says is actually doing the right thing.  The effort to be open to God's presence is much like an exercise where we find ourselves drawing closer and closer to Him who is at the center of all.  This realization presented me with an image of western pioneers and wagon trains circling themselves to provide protection from outside dangers. While we resist and fight against outside attacks, we are protecting that which is at the center, our goal of embracing God and protecting ourselves from all that is fearsome.

So I left confession tonight with a new layer of armor that protects me from the enemies of God.  I strive more for silence, an active silence that strengthens me daily.

Haiku My Heart

Beautiful blushes

The waning darkness of night

Cotton candy dreams

Quiet Times and Quiet Thoughts

 
It's been a quiet week, at least here, that is.  So much drama in so many other places.  The daily news reports make me very glad that we left California and moved to such a quiet, rural area.  The move doesn't make the outside any less real; it actually makes it a bit mystifying.  It's hard to get a grasp of why our urban areas have gone so off the rail.  And more than that, it's hard to understand the inaction of the leaders, right up to governors, who behave so ineffectively.  For all intents and purposes, they have permitted the rule of law to be overrun by a mob mentality.

Pictured here is Navy Pier in Chicago. 

So much to offer. So very much lost.

A Protest Haiku

Protest Poetry

I will never be

canceled. I will keep my

voice. I will be heard.

My mind is my own.

It is owned by no other.

Cancel me? Never.

Disagree with me?

Okay.  Let us talk. Ears woke.

But I WILL speak. Loud.

Covid Watch and Other Things

August 24th

After suffering through a miserable head cold for three days, I made it to Monday still alive.  The visit to my doctor ended with a Covid test and self-isolation instruction until the results come in.  I can plan on a 4 or 5 day wait.

I suppose there is never a good time for bad things to happen in one's life but the timing of this possible Covid visit feels especially ill-timed.  On September 7th I'm supposed to be in Tennessee to be on the scene to help our daughter after her scheduled C-Section on September 9th.  Needless to say, that won't be happening if the test comes back positive.

I called my daughter-in-law, Erin, to give her a heads-up on the situation and chose not to tell Kris.  I didn't want Kris to worry until there was something to worry about.  As the day progressed the head cold started to subside a bit but I'm not fooled.  I may be feeling better now but I'm also feeling feverish so actually, I'm not well at all.  I'm  isolating myself from Don as much as possible by not preparing his meals and sleeping in the guest room. 

In the evening, Kris called and I was caught off-guard.  She knew I was seeing the doctor and since I had not called, she checked in on how I was feeling.  And just like that, I told her about being tested for Covid.  Jeeze.  

So the cat was out of the bag and there was no putting it back.  I told her I had not meant to tell her and why and she was so "Really? Seriously?  There's always a workaround."  All I wanted to do was avoid worry for her and she was so damn grown up about it.  I'm so proud of her.  By the way, she gets the workaround business from me and my There Is Always A Plan B philosophy.

So I'll call Erin tomorrow and tell her Kris knows.  And, with any luck, I'll have an answer  by Friday.  I truly think I don't have Covid in my future but I get taking the precautions so like other bumps that have occurred in my life, I just roll with it.

August 25th

Well, a day doesn't get more sideways than this one.  I woke up at 4 a.m. to the sound of something dropping to the floor.  I thought it was the just another suction cup failure on the safety handle in our shower.  By the time I woke up and unscattered myself, Don had made it into the bathroom on his hands and knees.  It was HE who had dropped, not the safety handle.  Now very alert at 4 a.m., I stood by as he managed to finally leave the bathroom and get into the living-room.  He was still very ill, nauseous, and just not feeling quite right.  It was bad enough that he told me to call 911.  

Okay.  This just does not happen. The last time we used 911 for him he was in agony with what turned out to be a burst appendix.  That is when the fear really kicked in for me.  Here I was, one day into Covid testing quarantine and all I knew was that if Don ended up in the hospital, I would not be able to be with him.  I was frozen with fear.  No family near me.  Now 5:45 a.m. and the ambulance was gone.  

I finally called my friend and neighbor, Glenda.  Of course, my call awoke her but she called me back and I discovered that Glennie was truly God's tool at work helping me to get to a place a calm.

Eventually it all sorted itself out and he was released to return home in much better condition that he had arrived in.  I successfully navigate the 30 minute drive to a hospital in Arkansas, a place I had never been before and discovered a new found confidence in my ability to drive around in this area.  This was something that I have been sorely lacking.

August 25th

I'M NEGATIVE. Thank you, thank you, thank you, God.

August 26th

We went to Dr. Bernard today for a follow up on Don's Tuesday morning excitement and a Z-Pack for me.  I'm better with the head cold and so ready to feel normal again.  Different story for Don.  Dr. Bernard is suspicious and filled with an abundance of caution.  The man is nothing if not thorough.  He is thinking TIA event and is arranging for Don to have a stress test with a cardiologist.  I'm not quite sure what this might all mean.  Perhaps something. Perhaps, in the end, nothing and it was all just a horrible case of eating food that should have been tossed.  We'll see.

Anyway - tomorrow is Friday and the fury that is Hurricane Laura will hit us soon.  Lots of rain will be upon us for several days and winds 10-20 mph (not so bad)  I won't have to worry about my one remaining tree.  But we'll be enjoying lots of thunder and lightning. Ugh.

Haiku My Heart

 

The struggles of youth

Contrast with age's soft laurels

I arrive unscathed.

What I believe

George Bernard Shaw said “An election is a moral horror, as bad as battle except for the blood; a mud bath for every soul concerned in it."  He was right.  I’ve been reflecting on weight topics for years and in the last ten years, since retirement, I’ve come to a simple conclusion:  Keep It Simple.  Weighty issues usually can be understood as moral issues and my default position is the Ten Commandments. 

I was a registered Democrat for many years.  I think back on that time and I realize that the Democratic party of my youth really stood for something particularly in the area of civil rights.  I wonder how Kennedy would view his party today?  Based on his descendants’ public positions on matter that effect our society, I’m guessing that he would, overall, be considered out of step with the Democrats of today.

And what DO Democrats stand for today?  In a short and by no means conclusive list, they support unlimited LGBTQ rights, same-sex marriage, abortion on demand up to birth and infanticide at a live birth (read that failed abortion), environmental rights over human rights, and free healthcare for all (read that socialism).  The list goes on but these are the hot button issues.  This is a large part of their platform.  Any old-time Democrats today who don’t know this, aren’t paying attention.

Over a period of time, as I became more thoughtful on the best way to approach social problems, I found myself more and more being drawn to the Ten Commandments.  They are really good rules and definitely not guidelines.  There aren’t any ifs, ands, or buts attached to them.  They say what they mean and can be applied to any questions in life.    Eventually, I registered as a Republican and then as an Independent voter.  I studied the candidates and what they said.  I believe it’s important to vote policy and who the best candidate is who lines up with policies I support.  I also studied their supporters and followed the money.  But primarily, the choice came down to this.  An individual running on the Democratic ticket supports the entire platform, much of it which is repugnant.  I could not and now cannot, in conscience, vote for anyone running on the Democratic party ballot.

I had a conversation recently with a couple of my friends and I tried to sort out the conflicting information that I feel comes from the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops statements.  I also am becoming more and more guided by the inconsistencies of what priests are saying publicly.  Who will I choose as my guide since apparently the USCCB is basically leaving it up to me.  The Father James Martin’s of our Catholic world are unnerving.  And they go unchecked.  We need more brave priests such as  Fr. John Lankeit of Ss Simon & Jude in Phoenix, AZ.   His video at HERE .  This video makes a strong statement about the sort of forthright speech we need to hear from the pulpit today.  We need to be reminded that there is a clear right and a clear wrong.  We much learn how to recognize that which is intrinsically evil.

After talking with my two friends, I share this conclusion:

We bear both a privilege and a burden to exercise our formed and informed conscience and make choices that will and do affect the future of our country. The exercise of conscience and good judgment, however, is not merely something that faithful citizens take out and dust off every four years in anticipation of voting in presidential elections. The judicious adult is one who lives a discerning life, recognizing that, as the Greek philosopher Pythagoras maintained, "Choices are the hinges of destiny." What we decide determines what we do, which determines who we are — as individuals, as a faith community and as a nation. Vote policy, not person. Vote the greater good. Vote for that person who greater advances life and tranquility of order in all stages of life.

 

Vote life and you CANNOT fail to serve all in the very best way possible.

 

Changes

I had high hopes for my book "A California Girl Meets the Bootheel" when I published in October.  Sales where steady, if not brisk and my website was easy to use.  Then the Corona Virus landed and all my plans came to a halt.  I couldn't use my site effectively because I couldn't promote my book as I wanted to.  

Then I started  a secondary plan and suddenly the possibility of promoting my book arose in another way.  I am now selling 4 x 6 photo cards, and matted images at local craft fairs and at a local flower shop.   The Mississippi River is just blocks from my doorstep and the river traffic offers endless views of this watery transportation highway.  

With the advent of this new activity, I deleted ny book focused website, my book focus Facebook page, and plan to get rid of my domain name I purchased through name.com.  Now I can start all over again with a brand new plan.  

The possibilities are limitless.

Death of a Possum -Haiku My Heart

I drove to the river this morning and came upon the unusual sight of a possum during daylight hours. He was clearly struggling and my heart broke as I watched him dying.

I drove over to the city yard and chased down James, one of the city workers. He connected with Chris, our local Animal Control Officer at the humane society/animal shelter who came by and gave possum its final care.

Not a great way to start my day but I'm so grateful to James and Chris for helping the little guy to his rest.

A river mourning 

Daylight struggle, nighttime woe

Life passes onward

Haiku My Heart - The Good, the bad, and the ugly

Age of Corona

Times were interesting once

Now they are daunting

There is an ancient Chinese saying about living in interesting times.  Oh, How I wish the times were interesting but that isn't our world anymore.  The times are daunting, frightening, chaotic.  All sense of safety is gone.  

It is surprising when something good happens.  Today, what I thought would be a difficult refund request from Canva.com, turned out to be surprisingly easy.  In an age more calculated to hinder than to help, Canva issued me a refund to my membership without any questions.  The good customer service was totally unexpected and even though the product doesn't work for me, I will still recommend it.

I wish there was more good to speak of.  My shortlist would include friends loaning us their truck so we can deliver some furniture for our daughter.  It also would include my family pulling together to help each other to make a good thing happen.  Like I said, it's a short list.  These days, I feel like I'm in a holding pattern and as time goes by, I feel less safe.

The ugly was very ugly last night.  We live in a very depressed area and many who live here have grown up in homes that, generationally, have fostered an attitude of caring for no one other than themselves.  Their actions speak for them.  Law has no authority.  Fireworks are legal this year and boy are some taking advantage of that fact.  

Fireworks, in town, is scheduled to happen only on July  4th and 5th.  Last night, June 26th, I thought I was living in Beruit.  Seriously.  It's a small town.  The canon-like explosions, from the east side of town, could be heard all over.  It went on for at least six hours and didn't end until they ran out.  I'm sure they are shopping today.

One might ask where are the police?  Well, they are there and short of netting everyone in sight and starting a riot, they are completely hobbled.  These crazy people are shooting fireworks at houses, each other, vehicles, and  . . . the police.  Yes.  What was once a fun and happy time has now been weaponized and the entire town is held hostage.  Outside pets are terrified.  Disabled (autistic) children are overwhelmed by fear and can't process the noise.  Last nerves, like mine, are getting totally frazzled.

As I type, it is 1:25 p.m.  I just heard the first firework of the day go off.  I think it is going to be another rough night for the police, fire department, and EMT's.

There is an annual fireworks event on the river that we went to last year.  We had a great time.  We won't be going this year.  Common sense dictates that we stay home and protect ourselves and our home.  It's very dangerous out there.

Haiku My Heart

So many choices
Children visiting this week
No writing today

Haiku My Heart

Haiku My Heart

Spider web of tree

Rippling shore caresses

Looming emptiness

A Poem

My visit to the river today, 

with a friend, 

was reviving as a sunrise.

Migration birds splash

In rainwater puddles

Fluttering off and returning.

Her shoes, so muddy.

Cleaning them is sheer

Determination in the wet grass.

Haiku My. Heart

River isolation

Migration flutters approach

Bathing's cool respite

Updating our Tree Adventure

Friday the mighty oak fell.  Monday, all the debris was cleared away.  We are left with a stump that is low to the ground and will be ideal for turning into a planter.  It's amazing how life is going to go on with our tree.

The update, however, is about another tree that is GONE.  The City planted a Liquid Amber in the easement decades ago.  You know the tree I'm talking about.  The one with the nasty, spiny round pods that drop down and hurt you or, worse, you walk on one and find yourself flat on your back

Our police chief was noticing that it was sinking on one side and starting to lean perilously over the street.  Not a good look.  He call the mayor.  The mayor came by and took a look.  Yup.  The tree had to go.  So, whilst I will miss our beautiful Oak Tree, I will not miss the Liquid Amber Tree at all.  

The Day the Tree Fell

In the midst of this Age of Corona, I have shared a deep feeling of isolation with you all.  Being alone was a new normal for me starting three years ago when I move to a place totally outside of my comfort zone.  But I adjusted.  I even wrote a book about it.  Now, being forced to remain separate from each other, I find that I somehow have a talent for it.  Going from a circle of friends to having no one was a challenge I would not wish on anyone.  But, I managed.  I rebuilt.  And I have a circle of friends now that reveal themselves to me in unexpected and heartwarming ways.  So, while I may be experiencing feelings of isolation, it doesn't feel crippling.  It's the new normal that I built something good upon.

Certainly, though, the hardest thing for me has been the loss of freedom to go visit my family.  I don't call my brother in California more than once every 7 to 10 days because I don't want to feel clingy.  Indianapolis and my son and Tennessee and my daughter feel like moons circling my planet C'ville with no ship schedule to bring me there for visits.  So, when something really out of the ordinary happens, the very first thing I want to do is call family.  Two calls. No answers.  Texts sent with a request to call as soon as possible.  No call to my brother, just pictures of the event.  I figure I'll hear from him eventually but I'm not holding my breath.  He's probably out hiking.  He'll be out amongst the trees on, this, the day my tree fell.

It was windy today.  It was at the bluster level and moved the shrubs beneath the windows and the tree limbs out front in circles that swirled and dipped as they rose and fell.  I could hear the wind just outside the window but then something changed and the shrubs and trees whipped and flew.  I rose as the wind rose and heard a terrible crackle and pop. Rice Crispies on steroids would be a good analogy.  A sort of explosion happened outside the window that drew me closer.  As the tree fell, in slow-motion, I moved closer to the window, not believing what I was seeing and crying out for Don. Louder and louder, I cried out.  The crush of the huge old oak tree took out one side of my beautiful Gingko as I madly pulled at the locked front door.  My brain was frozen making it impossible for me to fit the keys in the locks.

When I finally got outside through the side door, this is what I found.

Neighbors came pouring out of their front doors. Approaching cars ground to a halt as they gapped at the massive oak tree that once shaded the street and now was flattened to the ground. Rules of social distancing disappeared in the face of the massive power of the wind.  Waves of shock flooded me like a relentless tidal swell.  Mayor Sue Grantham drove up.  Chief of Police Tony Jones and Fire Chief Charlie Jones both showed up.  Someone kindly called Southern Tree Care, our usual tree company we call upon for bi-annual tree trims, and eventually, they got to work.  

When the fog cleared, I found a quiet place and called AAA.  With an estimate of $2,000 in hand, I acknowledged that it would not meet our deductible and had to admit that THAT was good news.  On Wednesday we received our stimulus payment of $2,400.  On Friday, our tree fell.  Easy come easy go and the face of gratitude below reflects how different the conversation would have been with AAA if the tree had hit our house or if someone had been walking by.  The conversation would have been very different, indeed.

Haiku My Heart

Spring has blown in and

swept away old leaves. A new

jungle rains on my car.

Open Letter to My Friends

April 3, 2020

Dear Friends,

I have been on hold with ATT U-verse for 20 minutes now.  The recording warned there would be a longer than usual wait and they weren’t kidding.  My problem is connectivity.  Apparently, my portal can’t be confirmed.  Logging in is useless.  The most frustrating thing is that I can’t read on my Libby App.  I keep getting a message telling me the link can’t be trusted.  Not surprised as my portal doesn’t seem to exist at the moment.

In the Age of Corona, life is slowing down yet again.  No on-line at the moment so no news.  That is probably a good thing.  I regard this as a little taste of what our lives would be like again without the internet.  Analog would come back.  Card catalogs at libraries would come back.  Smart chips would disappear from vehicles and home garage repairs would become normal again.  And that’s just a taste of life returned to the 90s and pre-The Web.

My rosary today as actually unaccompanied.  I managed to find prayers for the Sorrow Mysteries and quietly said my rosary on the side porch.  I was kept company by the presence of birds and squirrels.  It was pleasant but they were a bit of a distraction as well.  They can be pretty funny as they go about their activities.  I’ve been observing them for a few days now and their activities seem to mainly focus on finding food, defending territories, and nesting.  The squirrels are a little more expansive as they seem to incorporate playtime into their activities.  Chasing each other around tree trunks is a favorite activity.

It rained last night but lightly so my sleep was undisturbed.  The difference between today’s sky and yesterday’s is dramatic.  Yesterday the sky was a brilliant blue and voluminous white clouds filled the sky.  By noon though, things had changed to a cloudless, dull blue.  Today the sky is gray without a hint of blue but there is no feeling of rain coming again.  It’s just dull and bleak much like how many of us are feeling. 

Yesterday I made several phone calls, touching base with friends and family who cannot be seen right now.  Glenda is finally home.  Sharon stops in at the driveway occasionally and we converse from the porch.  My daughter and husband are able to manage the household by only one person going to the store and the other staying in with the kids.  The kids go to the park occasionally but only get out if there are no other people around.  What a life they are living right now.  I feel for them so much.

I’m thinking that I may have to start sending snail mail to friends farther away who are not easy to reach.  They may still be connected to the internet but I am not so, as the broken link, it is up to me to forge a new sort of link.  Yes, snail mail, the new communication.  LOL.  As I sit here on hold with ATT U-verse, I don’t dare check my Contacts for a phone number to use on my landline.  After 45 minutes on hold, I don’t dare do anything to lose my place in line.  So, when this is all over with today I will export my phone numbers and make an off-line document I can use to access numbers to make calls on my landline. Yes, I did say “today”.  How hopeful I am that the issue will be resolved. 

I’m thinking about actually sending this musing to friends everywhere – a sort of Age of Corona card.  Many of you do not have our landline phone number here in Missouri so, as you read this, please enter this phone number into your contacts.  (573) 922-5020 I would hate to call you from my landline and look like a spam call coming from Missouri or be a call marked Unknown.  I don’t answer most such calls and I don’t expect you to either.  So help me out here, friends.  Relying on our landline may become more common as we also get better connections on it.

All my best.  My prayers are for you all.

Annie

p.s.  I just had the nicest talk with ATT.  Jay in the Philippines went over and above to help me with my problem.  Now I’m going to download those phone numbers and print them out so I can use them on my landline.

Haiku My Heart

It rained last night
My rest uninterrupted
Tears on the morrow

Haiku My Heart

Silence like cat paws
Uncut nails sharpen,  tap tap
Surprise found me. Hah!

Rain pitched,  tap tap
Sideways wind percussive boom
Blue lit crystal string

Age of Corona
Too quiet desolation
Revelations jolt

Tiny pleasures

 

Taking a walk around the yard helped with feeling stir crazy.  Mother Nature presented a yard full of wild violets.  I hope they stay for a while.  The yard hasn't been mowed since early winter and more rain arriving Saturday.  It will be a while more.

In A Time of Corona

Dear Ones,

As I sit here in my rural corner of the world, I am reminded, because of the corona numbers and how they have spread so disproportionately, of just how different the meaning of rural may vary from place to place.  I always thought Turlock was rural until I moved to SE Missouri.  Now I find myself in a little pocket of safety.  Yes, the use of the term "safe" may seem self-deluding, but I have only to look at numbers to feel a sense of "safety" and gratitude for where I am at.  

We, like everyone else, are taking the measures needed to slow this virus down and life is awkward and a bit complicated but after my own personal experience of feeling dread passed, I settled down into a routine which seems to be working out, if not comfortably, at least workable.  Of course, that could change tomorrow but, I'm writing this today.

That all being said, I must say that nothing has disturbed me more than when churches started to close.  I never imagine that Catholic churches would actually close.  Slow down, yes, but close?  Never in our life time have most of us Catholics experienced such a thing.  Even bad weather doesn't keep us at home.  So here I am, writing to friends and family, Catholic and not,  sharing the news that our diocese, like so many across the country, has literally shut down.  I am rattled to my bones.

Because of this, I feel deeply moved to ask that you all, in your own way, pray for yourself, your state, our country, the world.  Please pray daily.  Even just a moment of "Hello God, it's _____.  Please protect us" is a prayer.  All prayer is powerful, Combined prayer can move mountains.

I love you and I pray for you,

Annie Jeffries

Haiku My Heart

Poetry Today

Haiku My Heart

Haiku My Heart

Red flew across the green
Robin's early arrival 
Two Cardinals fought

Faking and Forgiving - Updated from my September, 2009 archive

There is the truth that meets in between reality and consciousness. Your actions, your conscious desire to forgive, are real but the realm of sleep is a playground for that which wants to undermine us from our waking desires and impulses to be good, to do what is right. If we let the realm of sleep overtake our waking time, we end up doubting ourselves. 

I don't speak from theory. I was good because I was taught to be good. And, I believed the world was good. Then I learned it wasn't always good. So, what was the next step in learning how to behave and feel the truth of who I am and how I felt? That was no easy task and I felt like I was faking it.  Yes, faking it.  Interestingly, I still feel sometimes as though I am a fake. For example, I never cried after my mother's death therefore, I didn't really love her. Ergo - I'm faking it. Of course, that's not true but forgiving myself for not crying was a hard place to arrive at.

A solution to middle-of-the-night obsessing was found in prayer. At one time it was very common for me to wake in the middle of the night filled with worries, fears, anger, doubts, and dread. I finally tried prayer; the Hail Mary and Our Father of my youth and adult life became my lifeline in periods of turbulent sleep. They acted, as a meditation, a mantra, a chant, a redirection of thought, and still do. My belief in their power restored my trust, my faith in what I really believe to be true about myself.

I often found myself feeling fake at work and the source was clearly my burn-out, my impatience with the same questions and attitudes I'd dealt with for 21 years. But, self-awareness has taught me to recognize the slide into rudeness and impatience, for the most part.  The extra effort to reach out, do good, help and offer guidance when asked for always, 100% of the time, results in gratitude because someone took the time to listen and to hear. 

Of course, there is always a voice waiting to tell me I'm such a fake. And it's not just about faking forgiveness, either. Learning to trust your own realness, in all things, just leads naturally to believing in your capacity to forgive. To not believe in our self only weakens us.  Of course, the stronger our self-belief is, the stronger the assault from outside will be to undermine our self-belief, our knowledge of who we are.  We find ourselves meeting and learning and coming to know and understand the religious sense we are all born with.  Servant of God, Luigi Giussani, explains that as “that which lies at the very essence and root of human rationality and consciousness. It is that aspect of the human individual which affords Christianity with a reasonable basis, as an instance of the revelation of God as mystery.”

Grasping this idea can lead us to strongly hold on to the reality of who we are and not allowing subconscious dreams to strip us of our knowledge of our true self as God sees and knows us.  Holding on to our true self keeps us free of self-doubt.  But, we are human and can slide into that unhappy playground that feeds our fears and fills us with self-doubt.  It is our human-ness that also has the capacity to lift us up so that we can forgive ourselves for our weakness and hold on to who we truly are.

Anne's New Leaf #2

January introduced me to a new eating habit that I think will work very well for me.  Since moving to C'ville, greasy, fried food has been the norm.  Grits, gravy, sauces, and the most unbelievable sweets were, at the least, a weekly occurrence.  And, I tasted them all.  

My primary reason for this over-indulgence was my search for food that I actually liked.  I remember, years ago, observing that, except in isolated pockets of urbanity, there was no good food outside of California.  The hubris of this sentiment is clear to me now but it does remain a fact that where I live, there are very few good eating establishments.  As a result of the long and sustained search, I gained back all the 50 lbs that I had lost.  This isn't good and I  am not happy.  Along with the weight gain, I also endured persistent bloating and nausea, something that did not happen in my former home.  So . . .

In January, I decided to try something a bit different.  On January 3rd I started serving myself smaller portions.  If it was white and processed, I didn't eat it.  I increase my fruit and vegetable intake and starting drinking lots of water.  Like a magic bullet, nausea/bloat disappeared and miracle of miracles, I lost four pounds.  The weight loss was a nice side benefit but the big payoff was my new reality of feeling much better.

With this experience behind me, I decided to continue this way of eating.  In addition to writing everything down in a food journal, I am writing down mini-goals for me to achieve each day.  Coffee and morning prayer is becoming a habit.  These are followed by small tasks that need to be tackled and as a result, while I still read a lot, I am also making some forward motion on things that need to be done.  By keeping a list, I have given structure to my daily life.  

February is almost upon us and I, for one, am enjoying the sunlight, have given up on the idea of actually seeing any snow this winter, and am in high hopes that the river's floodgates will not be closed for much longer.  And, I am approaching my new habits with an optimism that I did not have on January 3rd.  Perhaps I will lose four more pounds.

Anne's New Leaf #1 - New Year. New Me.

I've turned a corner. I've chosen to find my way back to perfect happiness. It starts with prayer and then the accomplishment of small daily goals. It continues with being a better friend with food and how it fits in my life. It follows with driving again, exploring again, enjoying the places I love.  Welcome to my journey of Anne's New Leaf.
The food pictures here represent just a small part of the journey towards feeling better. Today I cooked something new instead of ordering out. Tomorrow it will be something else but always it will be about recognizing the importance of small accomplishments being the building blocks of a good life.